I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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