you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
