For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
