Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
