So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
