When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
