Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
