i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Drunk is a universal language darling
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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