The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wish I only lived at night.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.