My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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