Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
