I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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