She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
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And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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