Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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