Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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