I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
