oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I could fuck to npr.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
