my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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