im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
