come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it's like heaven, but drunker
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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