I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation