if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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