I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
