Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
