Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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