it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
