I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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