I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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