I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
