You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
