Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
