I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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