We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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