I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My pussy is not your playground.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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