I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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