3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
