What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
