I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
