There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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