Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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