guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
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It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
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Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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