YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
