Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
