I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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