I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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