the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
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Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
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Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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