As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
