im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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