k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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