My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I am available for nakedness
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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