I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
