Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
