Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
