pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize
