I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
