I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
BRING THE BAGELS
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
