I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
